Valentine’s Day was supposed to be simple—just dinner, nothing more. I’m Briar, 28, currently deep into an EMT course. When I walked out of that restaurant, I genuinely thought my life had just fallen apart. I had no idea it was about to get much, much stranger.

My name’s Briar. I’m 28. This all happened on Valentine’s Day—and honestly, I’m still annoyed about the tiny heart-shaped butter pats.