“You like her that much?” the friend asked.

“It’s not that,” declared Johnny, “He didn’t sign his name.”

This guy’s wife gets a cat and he hates it.
So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat’s sitting there on the front porch.

So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat’s sitting there again on the front porch.

Well, the guy’s furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can’t figure out where he is.

So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It’s her husband. He asks, “Is the cat there?”

She says, “Yes.”

The guy says, “I’m lost. Put the cat on the phone.”

A man was in a bar with his buddies, recounting the events of the previous week.
It was payday the previous Friday, so he had decided to stay out with his friends for a spot of drinking.

An evening out turned into a whole weekend of partying, and he only returned home on Sunday night, to bear his wife’s inevitable wrath.

“My wife wasn’t too pleased that I didn’t show up for a whole weekend,” he said.

“What did she say to you?” asked his buddies.

“Well, she just nagged for what seemed like an eternity, then at one point, she asked me how I’d like it if I didn’t see her for two or three days,” he replied.

“And what did you say?” they asked.

“I told her it would be fine by me!”

“So did she leave?”

“Well no, she didn’t leave, but the joke’s on her. On the third day, my left eye opened up a little bit.”